Are you looking for some divine humor to brighten up your day? Look no further than these 200+ Jesus puns that are sure to leave you laughing! From turning water into “wine-dows updates” to the ultimate “son-shine” that brightens up our lives, these puns will have you feeling heaven-sent. Perfect for sharing with friends and family, or for a Sunday school laugh, these puns are a great way to keep your spirits high. So, whether you’re a devout Christian or just appreciate a good pun, these Jesus puns are sure to make you smile. Let’s dive into the laughter and spread joy like Jesus did!
“Laughing with the Savior: Jesus Puns to Brighten Your Day” (Editors Pick)
1. Jesus walked on water, but I can’t even swim…
2. Why did Jesus refuse to ever work at a gas station? Because he didn’t want to be a cross attendant.
3. When Jesus awoke from his tomb, he said to his followers, “What’s up, my peeps?”
4. I entered a pun competition with a friend, and as expected, he came in “second coming” while I was “cruci-freaking awesome”.
5. What did Jesus say when he returned from Easter break? “What’s up, my rabbits?”
6. Jesus was a carpenter, so he knew how to frame a joke.
7. Jesus was the ultimate wingman, turning water into wine without a grape on his vine.
8. Why did Jesus decline to perform many miracles in his hometown? Because he didn’t want people from Nazareth to know all his “water into wine” tricks.
9. Jesus: the bread that came down from heaven. Ketogenic dieters must be so confused.
10. I asked Jesus where he kept all his clothes, and he replied, “In my Christ.”
11. Jesus probably took a break during the Last Supper, saying, “Hold on guys, let me dip this bread in some hummus.
12. Why did Jesus make the donkey ride into Jerusalem? Because walking on water got boring.
13. Jesus is always practicing: he’s been known to walk on water, practice wine-diving, and experiment with the ol’ fish-and-loaves routine.
14. All Jesus wanted to do was invite people over for dinner, but his disciples always got in the way by saying, “We don’t have enough bread.”
15. What do you get when you cross Jesus and a grape? Christ-al-clear wine.
16. Why did Jesus love water more than soda? Because he was well-versed in all the h2Oly scriptures.
17. What sells better than the latest iPhone? The JesusPhone, 100% blessed with salvation and eternal life.
18. Jesus loved a good parable, but he always made sure to keep it crisp and pithy so it wouldn’t cause a mass Exodus from the audience.
19. The proper way to ask Jesus for assistance in the kitchen: “Hey J, can you turn this water into wine? It’s all I’ve got.”
20. It’s important to remember that Jesus always forgives, but he never forgets to slip in a Father, Son, and Holy burn.
Witty Wordplay for Worshipers (Jesus Puns)
1. Why did Jesus cross the road? To get to the other side of salvation!
2. What do you call Jesus in a snowstorm? Christmassy.
3. What did Jesus say when he was asked what his favorite font was? Times New Roman.
4. What do you call Jesus when he’s feeling down? Cross!
5. Why did Jesus call his disciples his “brothers”? Because he was a carpenter and they were his nails.
6. What did the spiritual guru say to Jesus? “Worship me, I’m Buddha you.”
7. How did Jesus find out he was the son of God? He read it in the testament.
8. Why don’t they serve beer in church? Because Jesus refused to have his blood replaced with alcohol.
9. What do you call the new Jesus movie? “Cross Country Road Trip.”
10. What did the farmer say when he saw Jesus walking on water? Holy cow!
11. Why did Jesus go on vacation to the Middle East? For the Mesopotamia sun.
12. What was the first thing Jesus said when he rose from the dead? “What’s up, grave?”
13. What’s Jesus’s favorite 90s TV show? Touched by an Angel.
14. What do you call a painting of Jesus holding a large beef sandwich? The Last Supper Size Meal Deal.
15. Why did Jesus have a beard? To hide his bad chin.
16. Why did Jesus use hashtags? To make sure his posts trended forever.
17. What do you call a reverse unicorn? An a-corn. Now imagine you saw Jesus riding on a corn doing miracles.
18. Why did Jesus fail as an athlete? He kept getting nailed to the crossbar.
19. What do you call a selfie by Jesus? A crossie!
20. Why did Jesus go into outer space? To find heavenly bodies.
Gospel Giggles (Question-and-Answer Puns on Jesus)
1. Q: Why did Jesus join a union? A: So he could nail down fair wages.
2. Q: What did Jesus say when he performed his first miracle at a vineyard? A: “This one’s gonna be a grape day!”
3. Q: Why did Jesus bring a pillow to the sermon on the mount? A: Because he wanted to give it His best shot.
4. Q: How did Jesus make his coffee? A: Hebrewed it.
5. Q: What do you call Jesus when he’s really hungry? A: Cheesus.
6. Q: How did Jesus know he was a carpenter’s son? A: He had a cross to bear.
7. Q: How did Jesus keep his disciples in line? A: With a wag of his finger and a “Sea of Galilee oaths.
8. Q: What prize did Jesus win at the county fair? A: A cross-bow.
9. Q: How did Jesus get home from the cross? A: He took a thor-nailed carriage.
10. Q: What did Jesus say when he crossed the Sea of Galilee during a storm? A: “I am the surf!
11. Q: What do you call a group of dolphins that follow Jesus’s boat? A: Porpoise-driven life.
12. Q: What’s Jesus’s favorite kind of sandwich? A: Miracle Whip.
13. Q: What did Jesus tell his followers when they ran out of food? A: “I’ve got loaves of plans!”
14. Q: What kind of car did Jesus’s disciples drive? A: A Honda, because the Bible says they were all in one Accord.
15. Q: Why didn’t Jesus start a blog? A: He preferred to tell stories in person – he was a parable media.
16. Q: What do you call a Hollywood actor who plays Jesus in every movie? A: Typecast-astrophy.
17. Q: What did Jesus say when he saw Mathew sick with a cold? A: “Bless you, Mathew!”
18. Q: Why did Jesus’s date with Mary Magdalene end early? A: She kept stealing bread – he had to say, “That’s not how it rolls!”
19. Q: What did Jesus say when he first saw the Dead Sea? A: “Well, that’s depressin’…”
20. Q: Why did Jesus prefer to drive a stick shift car? A: He didn’t trust automatic transmissions – he preferred to be in the hands of his Heavenly Father.
Oh My God, Jesus Puns! (Double Entendre Puns)
1. Why did Jesus call his disciples fishers of men? Because they were great at catching souls.
2. Did you hear about the miracle in the bakery? Jesus turned water into wine buns.
3. Jesus is like a library book – he’s overdue for a resurrection.
4. How does Jesus like his tea? Pre-brewed and hot-crossed.
5. The only thing Jesus drank was water – H2Oly spirit.
6. Jesus likes to say his prayers with a little bit of thyme on his knees.
7. Jesus’ backyard had a passion fruit plant that was so well-maintained, it was immaculate conception.
8. Jesus never lacked creativity – he could always think outside of the crucifix.
9. When Jesus was born in Bethlehem, he probably caused quite a stir among the manger animals – they must have been goat-ing crazy!
10. Jesus is not only the Son of God, but also a big fan of Son-shine.
11. Whenever Jesus tells a joke, he always gets cross looks.
12. Jesus may have been born in a stable, but he never stooped to low humor.
13. At the Last Supper, Jesus and his disciples may have all been sitting on one side of the table, but they certainly weren’t less than Abel.
14. If you wonder how Jesus always had such great hair, it’s because he was the ultimate disciple of Shemp-herd!
15. Turning water into wine was a miracle, but turning wine into water probably wouldn’t make for a great party trick.
16. Jesus once made an appearance on the beach – it was a proper sand-wi-christ.
17. Jesus taught his disciples how to be fishers of men, but he never suggested they try using a worm on their hook – that would be sacrificial bait.
18. Jesus was no wallflower – whenever he went to the temple, he really let his halo down.
19. Jesus knew how to party – his miracles featured wine from out of nowhere and a lot of water-walking.
20. When Jesus rose from the dead, there was probably a lot of egg-citement in heaven.
Punny Piety: Jesus Puns in Idioms
1. Jesus always had a chip on his shoulder, but he never ate the bread of life.
2. When Jesus parted the Red Sea, he was making waves.
3. Judas had a devil of a time betraying Jesus.
4. At the Last Supper, Jesus really raised the steaks.
5. When Jesus cured the blind man, he really opened his eyes.
6. Jesus made quite the impression when he walked on water, but the audience was left all wet.
7. The Devil didn’t stand a prayer when he challenged Jesus.
8. When Jesus fasted for 40 days, he really lost some holy weight.
9. When Jesus healed the leper, he really lent him a helping hand.
10. Jesus always had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but never missed leg day.
11. Jesus was the ultimate carpenter, but he never nailed anyone.
12. When Jesus called Peter a rock, he must have been feeling pretty stoned.
13. When Jesus preached about forgiveness, he was really hitting the nail on the head.
14. Jesus never looked back when he was ascending to Heaven, but he still had his eyes on the prize.
15. When Jesus was born, it really was a silent night – he didn’t make a peep.
16. Jesus was a great shepherd, but he never counted sheep.
17. When Jesus told the parable of the mustard seed, he really planted the seed of faith.
18. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, he must have been on cloud nine.
19. Jesus was the living water, but he never let anyone be drowned in his love.
20. When Jesus walked into the temple, he must have been feeling divine intervention.
Jesus Wonders (Pun Juxtaposition)
1. Did you hear about the carpenter who made a cross and it was the highlight of his career?
2. Jesus wasn’t very good at construction, he kept getting nailed to things.
3. Why did Jesus go to college? To get a de-grace.
4. Why was Jesus not good at carpentry? Because he only got one piece of wood.
5. Did you hear about the mathematician who solved the problem of Jesus being both fully God and fully man? He found the common denominator.
6. Why did Jesus love computers? Because he could save everyone.
7. What’s Jesus’ favorite game? Crucifiction!
8. What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture? It takes one nail to hang a picture, but three to hang Jesus.
9. Why did Jesus ride the donkey into Jerusalem? Because they couldn’t find a Honda.
10. What was Jesus’ favorite food? Cheeses of Nazareth.
11. Who is Jesus’ favorite author? J.K. Rowling, because she can turn water into wine.
12. Jesus was rumored to be good at bowling, but he always rolled with a heavy hand.
13. Why did Jesus go to the gym? He wanted to cross-fit!
14. When Jesus was nailed to the cross, they issued him a citation for not wearing a seatbelt.
15. Why did Jesus never go to the gym? They wouldn’t let him deadlift.
16. What’s Jesus’ favorite time of day? The cross over hour.
17. Why can’t you play hide and seek with Jesus? Because he always rises on the third day.
18. What did Jesus say when he stubbed his toe? “Holy nail!”
19. What’s Jesus’ favorite indie band? Arcade Fire, because he loves a good resurrection.
20. Why was Jesus so good at listening? Because he was always giving ear-auditions.
Savior-ly Funny: Jesus Puns Galore!
1. Jesus Chrysler (like the car company)
2. Holy Moses (a play on Jesus’ Jewish heritage)
3. Jesus Christ Superstar-bucks (a coffee shop pun)
4. Christ-o-phile (play on bibliophile, meaning book lover)
5. Fishers of Men’s Wear (play on fishing-related Bible verse and men’s clothing store)
6. The Bread of Life Bakery (play on Communion and a bakery)
7. Three Wise Men’s Suits (a clothing store pun)
8. Son of a Preacher Man Salon (play on Jesus’ father’s profession)
9. Holy Guacamole (a Mexican restaurant pun)
10. Christ Almighty Deli (play on “My God!” exclamations)
11. Jesus Walking Tours (play on Jesus’ miraculous walking on water)
12. Holy Rollers Skate Rink (play on religious enthusiasm and skating)
13. The Passionate Florist (play on Jesus’ passion and a flower shop)
14. Holy Smokes BBQ (play on religious reverence and smoked meats)
15. Lamb of God Butcher Shop (play on Jesus’ titles and meat)
16. Judgment Day Daycare (play on the end of days and child care)
17. Hallelujah Halibut (play on a popular fish and religious praise)
18. Blessed Be Thy Wine Bar (play on Catholic mass language and a wine bar)
19. Saints and Aint’s Bar and Grill (play on religious figures and casual restaurant)
20. Holy Shot! Bar (play on religious exclamation and a drinking establishment)
Jesus Jests and Jokes (Spoonerisms)
1. “Cheese of mind” instead of “peace of mind”
2. Happy Fish-mas” instead of “Happy Christmas
3. “Garden of Gethsemane” becomes “Garden of Methsemane”
4. “Old St. Nick” becomes “Bold St. Nick”
5. “Bread of Life” becomes “Dread of Life”
6. “Holy Bible” becomes “Bony Hible”
7. “Son of God” becomes “Gun of Sod”
8. “Holy water” becomes “Woly hotter”
9. “Crucifixion” becomes “Fixicrucion”
10. “Gospel truth” becomes “Tossed full growth”
11. “Heavenly Father” becomes “Feverishly hatter”
12. “Nativity scene” becomes “Sensitivity Nene”
13. “Jesus saves” becomes “Suesus Javes”
14. “Lamb of God” becomes “Gam of Lord”
15. “Saint Peter” becomes “Paint Seters”
16. “Sacrament of Holy Communion” becomes “Commemorate of holey sonunion”
17. Hail Mary” becomes “Mail hairy
18. “Gethsemane” becomes “Metseghane”
19. “Sermon on the Mount” becomes “Mermon on the Sount”
20. “Crown of thorns” becomes “Town of crorns”
Divine Wit and Wisdom (Tom Swifties on Jesus Puns)
1. “I turned water into wine,” Jesus said miraculously.
2. The bread represents my body,” Jesus said crumbly.
3. “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” Jesus said cryptically.
4. “I’m feeling cross,” Jesus said painfully.
5. “I healed the blind man,” Jesus said insightfully.
6. “My teachings will save you,” Jesus said religiously.
7. “I’m resurrections biggest fan,” Jesus said devoutly.
8. “I am the good shepherd,” Jesus said lamely.
9. “I am the alpha and the omega,” Jesus said finally.
10. “Let the children come to me,” Jesus said childishly.
11. “This fish will feed them all,” Jesus said starkly.
12. “I will rise again,” Jesus said optimistically.
13. “Give onto Caesar what is his,” Jesus said taxingly.
14. “God is my father,” Jesus said sonorously.
15. “On the third day, I will rise,” Jesus said prophetically.
16. “Father, forgive them,” Jesus said forgivingly.
17. “I am the Light of the world,” Jesus said illuminatingly.
18. “My yoke is easy and my burden is light,” Jesus said suggestively.
19. “I am the son of God,” Jesus said divinely.
20. “I am the resurrection and the life,” Jesus said lifelessly.
Divinely Absurd: Jesus Puns (Oxymoronic Puns)
1. Jesus walked on water, but sometimes he needed a boat-oxymoron?
2. Jesus ascended to heaven, but his feet never left the ground-oxymoron?
3. Jesus saved humanity, but he couldn’t save himself from the cross-oxymoron?
4. Jesus turned water into wine, but he was actually a teetotaler-oxymoron?
5. Jesus was sinless, but he hung out with sinners-oxymoron?
6. Jesus calmed the storm, but sometimes he stirred up trouble-oxymoron?
7. Jesus lived as a pauper, but his teachings inspired the wealthy-oxymoron?
8. Jesus conquered death, but he died on the cross-oxymoron?
9. Jesus taught humility, but he was known as the king of kings-oxymoron?
10. Jesus was a carpenter, but he turned the other cheek-oxymoron?
11. Jesus preached love, but he also preached judgment-oxymoron?
12. Jesus healed the sick, but he too suffered pain-oxymoron?
13. Jesus came to serve, but he was also worshiped-oxymoron?
14. Jesus was a teacher, but he spoke in parables-oxymoron?
15. Jesus was betrayed by a friend, but also forgave him-oxymoron?
16. Jesus prayed alone, but he also taught communal prayer-oxymoron?
17. Jesus was crucified by the Romans, but he was also their king-oxymoron?
18. Jesus was meek and humble, but his message was powerful-oxymoron?
19. Jesus was the son of God, but he also claimed to be human-oxymoron?
20. Jesus was born in a manger, but he was also a king-oxymoron?
Jesus Wept More Puns: Recursive Wordplay!
1. Why did Jesus go to the bank? To check his balance!
2. Why did Jesus cross the road? To get to the sinners on the other side!
3. Why did Jesus stop playing soccer? He kept getting nailed to the crossbar!
4. Why was Jesus such a great carpenter? He knew how to handle nails!
5. Why was Jesus bad at math? He kept trying to turn water into pi!
6. Why was Jesus a terrible chef? He kept serving bread and fish to everyone!
7. Why did Jesus start his own garden? So he could regularly walk on water the plants!
8. Why did Jesus get in trouble at the zoo? He tried to turn the water in the penguin exhibit into ice!
9. Why did Jesus get fired from being a weatherman? He kept predicting a flood!
10. Why did Jesus never win at poker? He always showed his hand in five days!
11. Why did Jesus never make team captain? He didn’t want to suffer the stakes!
12. Why wasn’t Jesus upset about the empty tomb? He knew it wasn’t his final resting place!
13. Why did Jesus decide to become a baker? He discovered he had the ability to rise again!
14. Why did Jesus start running marathons? He wanted to cross the finish line!
15. Why wasn’t Jesus a fan of the mall? Too much cross-walking!
16. Why did Jesus stop attending science classes? He didn’t like getting crucified!
17. Why did Jesus dislike romantic movies? Too much cross yanking!
18. Why did Jesus switch from medicine to music? He knew he could sing his spirit!
19. Why did Jesus love basketball? He could dunk on his haters!
20. Why did Jesus become a carpenter? He wanted to build his empire!
Holy Wordplay: Punny Cliches about Jesus
1. Jesus saves… and redeems with coupons!
2. Love your neighbor as yourself…just don’t get caught!
3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Jesus! Jesus who? Jesus Christ, open the door!
4. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but those who live in Nazareth should throw some bread, loaves and fishes!
5. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, but let those who are without sin cast the second stone just to make sure it hits!
6. Jesus literally walked on water and the disciples were still surprised when he used chopsticks!
7. Parables are like jokes, not everyone gets them and on top of it, they’re not even funny!
8. If you want to go the extra mile, you should follow Jesus. The views are divine!
9. Turning water into wine was Jesus’ first miracle…and also the most important!
10. Why was Jesus so good at basketball? Because he could pray and shoot at the same time!
11. Don’t put all your loaves in one basket!
12. Jesus is always the breadwinner in every relationship!
13. It’s not the size of your cross, but how you carry it that counts.
14. Every time someone says “Jesus Christ” as a swear word, a nail cries out in pain!
15. Why was Jesus always calm and collected? Because he had a lot of apostles!
16. When in Rome, do as the Romans do…unless they’re nailing you to a cross!
17. Good things come to those who pray, but even better things come to those who fast!
18. If at first you don’t succeed, go back three days later and rise again!
19. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but if the bird is a dove then all you have to do is “Let it Be”!
20. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he’ll start a fishing ministry!
In conclusion, we hope that these 200+ Jesus puns have brought a smile to your face and lifted your spirits. We believe that laughter is truly divine, and we hope that you will join us in spreading joy and positivity wherever you go. If you want more puns like these, please check out our website for more heavenly humor. Thank you for taking the time to visit us, and may your days be filled with plenty of laughter and love.
