Assassin Puns: 200 Killer Jokes to Leave You in Stitches

Punsteria Team
assassin puns

If you’re a fan of dark humor and city-bred assassins, you’ve come to the right place! Assassins are deadly, cunning, and have a penchant for wordplay—that’s why we’ve compiled a list of the best assassin puns to tickle your funny bone. Whether you’re a professional hitman or just a fan of the genre, these 200 jokes are sure to leave you in stitches. From clever one-liners to hysterical puns, this collection has something for everyone. So sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh your way through this killer collection of jokes. Get ready to assassinate boredom and unleash your inner jokester with these top-notch assassin puns!

“Slaying the Game: The Assassin Puns You Need” (Editors Pick)

1. “Why did the assassin break up with his girlfriend? He wanted to be a lone killer.”
2. “What do you call a lazy assassin? A hitman not.”
3. Why was the assassin bad at dating? Because he always had a target on his back.”
4. “Why don’t assassins ever get caught? Because they have a killer alibi.”
5. “Why did the assassin take a day off? He needed to recharge his pistol.”
6. “What do you call an assassin who works part-time? A hired gun.”
7. “Why did the assassin give up on his career? He couldn’t handle the long kill.”
8. “What do you call an assassin who only targets actors? A cast killer.”
9. “Why did the assassin give up his job at the flower shop? He just couldn’t arrange the hits.”
10. What do you call an assassin who kills only using peanut butter? A nutty murderer.”
11. “Why don’t assassins ever go swimming? They always end up with a hit wet.”
12. “Why did the assassin join the gym? He wanted to work on his assassination skills.”
13. “What do you call an assassin who only kills with a fork? A deadly utensil.”
14. “Why did the assassin go to the tailor? He wanted a hitman suit.”
15. “What do you call an assassin who only kills bananas? A fruity assassin.”
16. Why did the assassin become a dentist? He wanted to take a whack at root canals.”
17. “What do you call an assassin who only kills other assassins? A hitman hunter.”
18. “Why did the assassin go to the bookstore? He wanted to brush up on his hit-tory.”
19. “What do you call an assassin who only kills inanimate objects? A hitmannequin.”
20. “Why did the assassin become a chef? He wanted to be a killer cook.”

Stealthy and Punny (Assassin One-Liner Jokes)

1. Did you hear about the assassin who had a successful catering business? He specialized in hit dishes.
2. Why did the assassin refuse to go on a blind date? He didn’t want to be set up.
3. I’m starting to suspect my taxidermist friend is actually an assassin. He always talks about the perfect hideouts.
4. What do you call an assassin who loves to sing? A hit chorus.
5. Why did the assassin quit the restaurant business? He couldn’t handle the heat in the kitchen.
6. What did the assassin say after finishing his job on a steamboat? That’s how I roll on the river.
7. Why did the assassin start collecting stamps? Because he heard it was a good way to lick targets.
8. My friend tried to convince me that he’s a ninja assassin. I don’t believe him, but I’m pretty sure I’m already dead.
9. What do you call an assassin who’s always cold? A chiller killer.
10. Why did the assassin switch from using knives to using spoons? He wanted to spoon-feed his victims.
11. I’m starting to think that the assassin was the one who stole my dictionary. After all, he added “kill” to the word “assassin.
12. What do you call a group of assassins listening to classical music? Hit ensemble.
13. I asked the assassin for a good book recommendation, he suggested that I read “How to get away with murder”.
14. Why did the assassin refuse to work on a construction site? He said he already had enough hit blocks.
15. Did you hear about the assassin who became a professional tennis player? He had a killer serve.
16. Why did the assassin become a soccer referee? He loved giving red cards.
17. My dad used to be an assassin, but he retired after his aim got a bit rusty.
18. What did the assassin say to his manager when he got fired? “I guess my time was up.”
19. Why did the assassin refuse to work as a florist? He didn’t want to be caught with his peonies.
20. What do you say to an assassin who has a cold? “You should take an assassin-tamin.”

Murderous Mirth (Question-and-Answer Puns on Assassins)

1. How do assassins order their coffee? A shot to the head, please.
2. Why did the assassin bring a ladder to work? To climb the corporate ladder.
3. Why did the assassin join a band? To get some killer guitar solos.
4. How do assassins like their steak cooked? Medium rare, just like their targets.
5. Why did the assassin rob a bank? For the assassin’s creed.
6. How do assassins keep their clothes clean? With dry-clean bullets.
7. Why did the assassin become a landscaper? To bury the competition.
8. What do you get when you cross an assassin and a magician? A disappearing act that really kills.
9. Why did the assassin become a hair stylist? To give killer haircuts.
10. How do assassins relax? By taking a stab at yoga.
11. What do you call an assassin who moonlights as a baker? A kill-er confectioner.
12. Why did the assassin become an auto mechanic? To get to the bottom of the carpool.
13. How do assassins like their eggs cooked? Overkill.
14. Why did the assassin become a beekeeper? To create a buzz.
15. How many assassins does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they prefer to make it a permanent solution.
16. What do you call an assassin who loves puns? A wit-killing machine.
17. Why did the assassin become a magician? To make their clients disappear without a trace.
18. How do assassins get rid of a cold? By taking a headshot of medicine.
19. Why did the assassin become a teacher? To make sure their students really get the point.
20. How do assassins deal with stress? By taking aim at a stress ball.

Killing It with Assassin Puns (Double Entendre Edition)

1. I’m quite a killer in the kitchen, they call me a cut-throat chef.
2. It was a surprise when the hitman showed up to my surprise party.
3. My assassin friend always has a killer outfit on.
4. He couldn’t hack it as a programmer, so he became a hitman instead.
5. The assassin was having a bad day, he missed his target by a hit or miss.
6. When you hire an assassin, you know they’ll always take a stab at the job.
7. The assassin had a sweet tooth, he always went for the kill when it came to confectionery.
8. A man walks into a bar, he says: “I’m a hitman and I have a contract for you,” the bartender responds: “Sorry, we don’t serve assassins here, take your shot somewhere else.
9. The assassin always went out with a bang, never a whimper.
10. The assassin was a big fan of gardening, he always had a green thumb and a killer instinct.
11. Assassins love to go to the movies, especially films with kill counts.
12. A group of assassins walked into a room, it was a real killer party.
13. The assassin was also a poet, he killed it whenever he performed his slam poetry.
14. He was trying to be a vegetarian, but couldn’t give up his assassin training, so he settled for killing it on the field instead.
15. The assassin was fond of puns, they always got a hit with his clients.
16. The assassin was a bit clumsy, he always managed to leave a hit mark wherever he went.
17. Assassins are known for their precision, it’s their way or the highway.
18. The assassin was always dressed to kill, they could make anyone look dead sexy.
19. The assassin was once a dancer, they were the best at following through with every move.
20. The assassin was in a bit of a pickle, he couldn’t decide whether to go for the jugular or work on his juggling skills.

Assassin-ate These Assassination Puns (Puns in Idioms)

1. He tried to shoot for the moon, but ended up with a fatal error.
2. Some say he was a cut above the rest, but that’s just splitting hairs.
3. They say every bullet has its day, but some just have more than others.
4. He was just a hired gun in a world full of copycats.
5. His aim was true, but his heart was black and blue.
6. They say his greatest skill was taking out the trash.
7. He was always on target, until he wasn’t.
8. You can run, but you can’t hide, unless you’re wearing a bulletproof vest.
9. Some people are born to shoot, others just aimlessly walk around.
10. He was the last person you wanted to see at your back.
11. Be careful who you cross, you never know what target they might set on you.
12. They say he had a license to kill, but never bothered to renew it.
13. He always had a bullet in his chamber, but never in his heart.
14. Shoot for the stars, but be sure to watch your back.
15. You can try to outrun him, but he always ends up being the final destination.
16. They say he played the game by his own rules, until he was no longer in play.
17. He was known to hit the bullseye, until his aim got a little hazy.
18. They say his shots were always on the mark, but his heart was always off.
19. Some people say they can smell danger from a mile away, but he always preferred to pull the trigger.
20. He knew all the angles, but never quite grasped the concept of life.

Killing it with Assassin Puns (Pun Juxtaposition)

1. The assassin with no sense of smell was a real killer without fragrance.
2. The assassin who listened to classical music really had a Mozart touch.
3. The assassin who was also a pirate was known for his arrrr-senals.
4. The assassin had a side business in beekeeping so they could get their buzz on.
5. The assassin who loved sweets was always looking for their next hitwhisk.
6. The assassin who was also a hair stylist was known for giving deadly good haircuts.
7. The assassin who was a morning person always had a killer cup of coffee.
8. The assassin who was also a doctor always had killer bedside manner.
9. The assassin who had a cat was known for their clawful methods.
10. The art collector who collected assassinations didn’t do it for the thrill, he just wanted a killer art display.
11. The assassin who liked to sew was always looking to thread lightly.
12. The assassin who loved astronomy was a real killer with the stars.
13. The assassin with an ice cream truck was known for killing it on hot days.
14. The assassin who did stand-up comedy was known for their killer jokes.
15. The assassin who was also a bird watcher was a real killer with the binoculars.
16. The assassin who was a chef had some killer recipes.
17. The assassin who was a scientist had a killer hypothesis.
18. The assassin who was a florist was always able to make a killer bouquet.
19. The assassin who had a farm was always able to produce killer crops.
20. The assassin who was a fisherman was able to score some killer catches.

Silent and Deadly: Assassin Puns

1. Killer Koffee
2. Stealthy Sips
3. Sweet Assassination
4. Death by Decaf
5. Silent Shots
6. Quick Kill Café
7. Homicidal Hazelnut
8. Fast Fatal Frappé
9. Assassinate the Espresso
10. Targeted Tiramisu
11. Lethal Latte
12. Crime Scene Cappuccino
13. Macchiat-oh-no!
14. Killing it with Kombucha
15. Poisoned Pours
16. Slayed Sprinkles
17. Murderous Mochaccino
18. Fatal Fizzes
19. Caffeine Carnage
20. Deadly Drinks

Assassination Mishaps: Punny Spoonerisms

1. Massing a sassassin
2. Planning a blasting
3. Loosing a mucephalus
4. Flinging a ding
5. Groping a dopamine
6. Punting a stuntman
7. Hitting a titman
8. Closing a posing
9. Collaring a laring
10. Blindfolding a findbold
11. Filming a limping
12. Blocking a clocking
13. Frisking a risking
14. Shooting a hooing
15. Running a gunning
16. Hunting aunting
17. Clamping aamping
18. Crashing a rashing
19. Dragging a ragging
20. Slaying a laying

Assassin-ate Your Time with Tom Swifties

1. “I’m not sure if I killed him,” said the assassin, uncertainly.
2. “I always get my target,” said the assassin, deadpan.
3. “I only use pressure points,” said the assassin firmly.
4. “No need to thank me,” said the assassin, humbly.
5. “I prefer a clean shot,” said the assassin cleanly.
6. “I’m not one to make mistakes,” said the assassin, deadly serious.
7. “I never miss my mark,” said the assassin, aimlessly.
8. “I prefer silence,” said the assassin, quietly.
9. “I’m always in control,” said the assassin, coolly.
10. “I know every trick in the book,” said the assassin, cunningly.
11. “I operate with precision,” said the assassin, exactingly.
12. “I always deliver the goods,” said the assassin, smoothly.
13. “I never take unnecessary risks,” said the assassin, cautiously.
14. “I prefer to work alone,” said the assassin, solo.
15. “I’m not one for small talk,” said the assassin tersely.
16. “I work best under pressure,” said the assassin, stressed.
17. “I don’t believe in second chances,” said the assassin, definitively.
18. “I never show mercy,” said the assassin, mercilessly.
19. “I don’t have time for games,” said the assassin, seriously.
20. “I move like a shadow,” said the assassin, stealthily.

Killer Wordplay: Oxymoronic Assassin Puns

1. Why did the assassin refuse to use a gun? It was too deadly
2. The assassin loved his new bullet-resistant clothing because it helped him stay alive while trying to kill others
3. Why was the assassin refused entry to the club? He had a killer personality
4. The assassin’s plan was fool-proof. It was to shoot a fool and then run
5. The assassin enjoyed his “killer” dance moves
6. Did you hear about the assassin who became a florist? He decided to put the petal to the metal
7. Why did the assassin switch to playing dart? They wanted to be known as a hitman
8. The assassin decided to quit his job and become a baker because he realized he was getting a little too kneady
9. Why did the assassin join a book club? So they could take a stab at literary criticism
10. The assassin loved the view from the rooftop – it gave them a different perspective on life and death
11. The assassin decided to become a personal trainer – they wanted to help their clients “take out” their frustration at the gym
12. The assassin loved playing hide-and-seek – they always managed to stay one step ahead of their prey
13. The assassin decided to become a furniture maker – they loved the idea of creating pieces that could literally be killer
14. Why did the assassin refuse to order a salad for lunch? They didn’t want to be known as a hit-and-run dieter
15. The assassin was great at puzzles – they could always piece together the evidence and solve cases
16. The assassin decided to take up gardening… because they love to plant ideas in people’s heads
17. The assassin loved to write – their stories were always full of plot twists
18. Why did the assassin switch to boxing? They loved the idea of backing their opponent into a corner
19. The assassin loved to cook – their signature dish was always to die for
20. The assassin decided to learn magic tricks – they loved the idea of disappearing acts.

Assassinated with Laughter (Recursive Assassin Puns)

1. Why did the assassin become an accountant? He wanted to work with debits and credits instead of daggers and crests.
2. I asked my assassin friend if he wanted to grab a bite. He said he was dag-gone hungry.
3. Why did the assassin’s date end early? He was too stabby.
4. I hired an assassin to take out my garbage. I guess you could say he’s a real trash-assin.
5. The assassin had a side hustle as a cake decorator. His specialty was knife-edged designs.
6. Why did the assassin get kicked out of the library? He was caught checking out too many murder mysteries.
7. The assassin made a delicious seafood dish. It was killer sushi.
8. Why did the assassin join a knitting club? He wanted to work on his needlework.
9. The assassin ran out of ammo. He had to resort to a rifled laugh.
10. Why did the assassin cross the road? To get to the other side with a crossbow.
11. The assassin always carries a toothbrush. He likes his kills to be minty fresh.
12. Why did the assassin become a guide at the museum? He loved giving people dagger tours.
13. The assassin opened up a floral shop. He specializes in deadly nightshade bouquets.
14. Why did the assassin hit up the pool party? He wanted to make a splash with his dive knife.
15. The assassin was really into memes. His favorite was “I didn’t choose the knife life, the knife life chose me.”
16. Why did the assassin become a doctor? To prescribe cough syrup, or as he calls it, Code-infant.
17. The assassin decided to take up painting. He’s known for his chiaroscuro techniques, or as he calls it, “stabbing light and dark.”
18. Why did the assassin start a band? He wanted to rock out with his glock out.
19. The assassin starred in a local theater production. It was a blade runner adaptation.
20. Why did the assassin become a hair stylist? He was tired of dealing with all the split ends.

Killing It with Assassassin Puns (Puns on Assassination Clichés)

1. “I’m not a morning person, I’m more of an assassin-at-night person.”
2. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a shot from a sniper’s scope.”
3. “When life gives you lemons, use them to disguise your poisonous blow darts.”
4. “Don’t judge a book by its cover, unless that book is wearing a hood and carrying a concealed weapon.”
5. “The pen may be mightier than the sword, but a silenced pistol is even mightier.”
6. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a well-placed throwing knife can keep your enemies at bay.”
7. “When the going gets tough, the tough get out their garrote wire.”
8. Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee, but behind every successful assassin is a silenced coffee mug.
9. “There’s no use crying over spilled milk, unless that milk was poisoned and intended for your target.”
10. “A watched pot never boils, but a watched target never leaves their sight.”
11. “When in Rome, do as the Romans do, unless you’re there to take out Caesar.”
12. “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, and then attack when they least expect it.”
13. “The early bird gets the worm, but the early assassin gets the target.”
14. “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself or hire a skilled contract killer.”
15. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but a well-placed bullet is worth even more.”
16. “All good things come to those who wait, except for assassins – they make their own opportunities.”
17. “When one door closes, another one opens, unless you’re stuck in a locked room with your target.”
18. “Out of sight, out of mind, unless you’re a hired assassin with a photographic memory.”
19. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed assassin is king.
20. “When the cat’s away, the mice will play, unless the cat is actually an assassin hired to take out the mice.”

In conclusion, we hope our collection of assassin puns has brought you some deadly laughter. Remember, there are plenty more puns where that came from on our website! Thank you for taking the time to visit and may your pun-ishment never be too severe.

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Punsteria Team

We're the wordplay enthusiasts behind the puns you love. As lovers of all things punny, we've combined our passion for humor and wordplay to bring you Punsteria. Our team is dedicated to collecting and curating puns that will leave you laughing, groaning, and eager for more.