220 Wickedly Hilarious Crime Puns to Steal the Show

Punsteria Team
crime puns

Are you a fan of true crime and puns? Get ready to have a killer time with our collection of over 200 wickedly hilarious crime puns! From clever wordplay on criminal activity to humorous twists on detective lingo, these puns are sure to steal the show at your next party or social gathering. Whether you’re a law enforcement enthusiast or just love a good laugh, our list of crime puns has something for everyone. So, put on your detective hat and get ready to crack up with these punny criminal quips. Let’s get started!

Sleuth-worthy wordplay to make you Laugh-cifer (Editors Pick)

1. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. So, I turned to crime to earn some real bread.
2. What do you call a dishonest lobster? A PINCH thief.
3. Why did the burglar break into the music store? To steal all the beats.
4. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
5. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
6. Why did the police officer arrest the pillow? It was soft on crime.
7. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
8. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
9. What do you call a group of robbers? A theft of thieves.
10. Why did the burglar wear glasses? He wanted to look criminal.
11. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
12. Why don’t criminals get proper sleep? They always plan to stay up late and “larceny.”
13. What did the police officer say to his belly button? “You’re under a vest.”
14. Sneaking into a cemetery is a grave mistake.
15. When I tried to rob a bank, I couldn’t open the vault because I’d forgotten the combination. So, I just started guessing, but then I heard this voice: “Oh, I’m going to have to report you to the police.”
16. I’m not saying that all criminals are artists, but every artist I know is a thief.
17. Don’t steal other people’s jokes; make your burglaries original.
18. If a cop says, “Anything you say will be held against you,” tell him “Chancho,” because that certainly won’t help with the investigation.
19. Police officers microwave their salads at lunch because they like them crispy-cops!
20. Why did the bank robber tie an alligator to his belt? Because he wanted to have a little money-croc!

Criminal Capers: A Collection of Crime Puns

1. Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
2. Did you hear about the guy who stole the calendar? He got 12 months.
3. I used to be a baker but I couldn’t make enough dough.
4. Why did the detective break up with his girlfriend? She kept tampering with his evidence.
5. I was going to tell a joke about kidnapping but it just didn’t seem appropriate.
6. You know you’re in trouble when the police tell you to “drop it.”
7. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
8. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
9. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room together?
10. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
11. I asked my wife to let me know the next time she had an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me while I’m at work.
12. I got into a fight with a broken elevator. I took it to the next level.
13. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
14. I used to have a job as a professional cricket player but I kept getting stumped.
15. When I die, I want my tombstone to say, “I told you I was sick.”
16. When I grow up, I want to be a baker so I can make bank.
17. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
18. I used to work at a blanket factory but it folded.
19. Why did the peanut go to the police station? It was a-salted.
20. I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, “Who else would put up with you?”

Get Your Giggles Going: Crime Capers (Question-and-Answer Puns)

1. Why did the thief cross the road? To escape the cops on the other side!
2. What did the burglar say when he was caught red-handed? “I swear, I was framed!”
3. Why did the detective refuse to pay for his meal? Because he always solves the case for free!
4. What did the bank robber say before he was arrested? “I’m sorry, I don’t have any getaway cash!”
5. Why did the criminal refuse to wear underwear? Because he was afraid of getting caught with his pants down!
6. Why did the judge break up with his girlfriend? She kept objecting to everything he said!
7. What do you call a snake that steals from others? A constrictor!
8. What do you call a criminal alien? Extra-terrestrial offender!
9. What do you get when you cross a crime lord and a snowman? Frosty the Hitman!
10. What is the most dangerous restaurant in town? The Frying Squad!
11. Why do criminals hate tropical fruits? They can’t stand the heat!
12. What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a thief? A plea bargain!
13. Why don’t criminals eat garlic? It leaves a trail of clues!
14. What do you call a detective movie about a water-loving criminal? Puddles are for Pirates!
15. Why did the thief wear a mask during the robbery? He didn’t want to be the only one caught red-faced!
16. Why don’t criminals play poker in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs!
17. What do you call a burglar who breaks into a library? A bookworm!
18. Why did the crook wear a suit to his trial? He wanted to show some class-action!
19. What is a lawyer’s favorite crime movie? Legal Weapon!
20. Why did the gangster refuse to take the elevator? He didn’t like to get caught up in anything!

Criminal Wordplay (Double Entendre Puns on Crime)

1. Why did the criminal rob the bank? He wanted his cash flow to increase.
2. Convicted criminals usually have a tough rap sheet to overcome.
3. The mobster’s favorite type of sandwich is the one with ham organized neatly.
4. The burglar didn’t like the sound of breaking and entering, but he was willing to give robbing a shot.
5. When the thief picked the lock of the safe, it was a dead bolt.
6. The detectives were investigating a credit card fraud, but they couldn’t quite charge the suspects.
7. The prosecuting lawyer knew he had the defendant against the ropes when the truth came out in the witness box.
8. The drug dealer made a hefty sum, but he knew that his business was shady.
9. What did the detective say at the start of the investigation? “Let’s get this case cracking.”
10. The thief was caught stealing electronics, and he was sentenced to time behind bars.
11. The wild west was notorious for the constant robbing of banks, or as they called it, the west was full of bandits who liked to get loaded.
12. A burglar broke into the evidence room at the police station and stole all the toilet seats; now the detectives have nothing to go on.
13. The bank robbery had the owner worried sick, but the police brought him a ray of hope.
14. The pick-pocket felt like he was in deep pocket after being caught for the fifteenth time.
15. The detective gave the bank teller a stern look and said, “You’re not telling us the hole story.”
16. The officer at the scene of the crime asked the suspect, “Why did you take a knife with you?” The suspect replied, “I didn’t know what the situation would look like, so I wanted to hedge my bets.”
17. The criminal was charged with stealing a dictionary but he said he was just looking up “jailbreak.”
18. When the crook was caught stealing oil, they knew he was up to a slippery scheme.
19. When the cops found the robber in the fruit department, they knew he was in a jam.
20. The prisoners made fun of a guard’s terrible math skills while breaking out of jail. They called it “Alcatraz.”

Criminal Comedy (Pun-tastic Crime Idioms)

1. The criminal wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit him.
2. The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
3. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
4. The police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
5. The thief who stole a camera got caught because it was Nikon steadily.
6. The detective arrived at the crime scene and quickly determined that the stairs were suspect and arrested them on the spot.
7. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
8. The pickpocket couldn’t believe his luck. He stole a wallet from a magician and finally found a little sleight of hand.
9. Don’t trust atoms— they make up everything.
10. Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
11. The detective wrongly accused the comedian of stealing his watch. The watch’s hands were pointing to him.
12. The thief who stole a yellow traffic light was just waiting for his getaway to turn green.
13. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
14. The police had a warrant to search for evidence of a murder at the mattress factory. I hear they found a bed of evidence!
15. The con artist who stole a calendar got twelve months and forty days.
16. The burglar stole a lamp, but he got light-handed.
17. I used to be a door-to-door salesman, but it was a dead-end job.
18. The police officer who became a baker would always knead dough for justice.
19. The criminal had a photographic memory, but he never developed it.
20. I’m starting a new detective agency. The cases we take on will be a cinch, we’ll never rest.

“The Criminal Mind(bender): Unleashing Crime Pun Juxtapositions”

1. Did you hear about the criminal who stole a calendar? He got 12 months!
2. I used to play hide-and-seek with criminals… But now I hide from the IRS!
3. Did you hear about the murderer who tried to kill his victims with a shovel? Lucky for them, it was a very grave mistake.
4. Whenever I get pulled over, I always tell the cop my dad’s a crime boss… And then I call him to pick me up!
5. I always lock my computer before leaving the house… You never know when a thief is going to break in and steal my browsing history!
6. The burglar who stole a calendar was caught. He got 12 months for tampering with time.
7. Why did the thieves rob the bank during lunch? They wanted to get a little cash-tardy!
8. Criminals who work as locksmiths are always up to no good. They’re always looking for a way to pick a pocket and lock it shut.
9. The criminal broke into the police station, and the cop asked him, “Where have you been all night?” The criminal replied, “Don’t worry about it… I just wanted to make a few phone calls!”
10. Why did the criminal keep a log of all his crimes? So he could arrest himself for doing them!
11. Police were investigating a series of thefts in the barbershop. They wanted to comb over all the details.
12. The criminal who tried to steal a shipment of watermelons was caught by the cops. They couldn’t believe that he wanted to melon-tize the underground black market.
13. What do you call a criminal who acts in good faith? A con-fidence man!
14. Why did the burglar break up with his girlfriend? She was too jumpy!
15. The criminal was sentenced to life in prison for stealing from the library. He just wanted to book it out of there.
16. The judge said to the criminal, “You’ve been stealing but that’s not the only thing… You’ve been gluteny responsible for multiple offenses.”
17. What do you call a thief who steals from a pirate? A buck-an-eer!
18. The burglar was so successful that he even broke into the dictionary. He stole the definition of the word “invisible”. How terrible is that?
19. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems! The burglar who stole the math book to write his robbery plans was also sad when he saw that.
20. A thief was caught after his car accident. He accidentally rear-ended the cops who were chasing him. When he was asked what the accident was about, he said “I bumped into their business!”

Caught in the Pun-Act: Criminal Name Game

1. Jail O’Clock (a prison-themed watch store)
2. Criminally Good (a bakery that specializes in sweet treats)
3. Pickpocket Plaza (a shopping district known for its theft problems)
4. Mastermind Mansion (a luxury hotel with an escape room experience)
5. Copsicle (a frozen treats truck run by police officers)
6. Convict Coffee Co. (a coffee shop run by former inmates)
7. Felonious Fingers (a manicure salon for criminals)
8. Grand Theft Auto Body Shop (an auto repair store with a criminal twist)
9. Lawbreaker’s Lounge (a bar with a criminal history theme)
10. Bandit Books (a used bookstore with a crime fiction focus)
11. Burglar Bites (a food truck that sells small bites for thieves on the go)
12. The Felonious Florist (a flower shop with a criminal past)
13. Contraband Collectibles (a store that sells items seized by law enforcement)
14. Safe-Cracker Snacks (a vending machine company that specializes in snack foods for criminals)
15. Shakedown Smoothies (a smoothie bar that shakes things up with a criminal theme)
16. Detective Donut (a donut shop run by a former detective)
17. Punk Prison (a punk rock-themed prison museum)
18. Crime Scene Cones (an ice cream truck with a forensic science twist)
19. Jailbreak Juice (a cold-pressed juice company that offers healthy options for prisoners)
20. Robbery Roasters (a coffee company that gives back to victims of robbery).

A Crime of the Tongue (Spoonerisms on Crime Puns)

1. Time to solve this mime!
2. That’s a real grime story!
3. The fine is $50 for that mime!
4. Dub and dash rob the salt store.
5. The horse sheriff caught the thipping sief.
6. A fee crook caught a sick breath.
7. The shoplifter was carrying a ham sandwich.
8. The cop found the candy vorn in the case.
9. I deal in facts, nothing but the law max.
10. The burglar was caught with a casket of jewels.
11. The thief tripped over the radio alarm.
12. They stole a leaking gallon of hand sanitizer.
13. The robber had a king for a wig.
14. The sushi thief got a real piece of chance.
15. He’s an experienced cliff stepper.
16. Baiting rests in the law of sign, isn’t it?
17. A hot steal needs to be cooked for security.
18. It was when he fired the gun that caught your eye.
19. Throw them all in jail, raise the crooks and rannies!
20. He certainly was a smooth operator, like butter wouldn’t mislead.

Crook-ed Lines (Tom Swifties on Crime Puns)

1. “I can’t believe I left my fingerprints on the cupcake box,” Tom said, “crumbly.”
2. “I stole the show at the robbery,” Tom said, “stealthily.”
3. “The burglar took one look at the security guard and ran away,” Tom said, “frightedly.”
4. “I failed to rob the bank on my first try,” Tom said, “bankruptly.”
5. “The detective found the stolen jewels in the trashcan,” Tom said, “rubbishly.”
6. “I always leave behind incriminating evidence,” said Tom, “clumsily.”
7. “The thief must have been really hungry,” Tom said, “stealingly.”
8. “I caught the suspect red-handed,” Tom said, “evidently.”
9. “The criminal got away on a boat,” Tom said, “seasickly.”
10. “The police arrested the graffiti artist,” Tom said, “sprayingly.”
11. “The stolen watch was in plain sight,” Tom said, “obviously.”
12. “I got caught stealing a clock,” Tom said, “timely.”
13. “I cracked the safe on the first try,” Tom said, “vaultingly.”
14. “The burglar tried to escape through the window, but it was too small,” Tom said, “pane-fully.”
15. “The detective solved the case in record time,” Tom said, “quickly.”
16. “I got into the safe, but the alarm went off,” Tom said, “buzzingly.”
17. “The police found the thief trying to hide behind a tree,” Tom said, “woodenly.”
18. I took a bite out of the cheesecake and realized it was evidence,” Tom said, “mousily.
19. I got arrested for stealing a toy helicopter,” Tom said, “rotorily.
20. “The detective followed the clues and solved the mystery,” Tom said, “case-closed-ly.”

Contradictory Criminal Quips (Oxymoronic Crime Puns)

1. “The thief stole a mirror and reflected on his crimes.”
2. “The burglar was caught red-handed when he stole a rubber band from the stationery store.”
3. “The pickpocket had a change of heart and decided to become a wallet.”
4. “The forger made a mistake and signed his own arrest warrant.”
5. “The mobster tried to extort money from a clown, but ended up laughing all the way to the bank.”
6. “The counterfeit money was so realistic, it fooled the launderette.”
7. “The arsonist was fired from his job for being too hot-headed.”
8. “The scammer’s plan backfired when he fell for his own con.”
9. “The smuggler tried to sneak past customs by dressing up as a border guard.”
10. “The crook was caught jaywalking while running from the cops.”
11. “The cat burglar was caught because of his purrfect crime.”
12. “The hacker was caught red-handed when he left his fingerprints on the keyboard.”
13. “The embezzler cooked up a scheme that was half-baked.”
14. The mugger tried to mug a mime, but didn’t get a word from him.
15. “The vandalized wall was so beautiful, it was criminal.”
16. “The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.”
17. “The car thief was caught because he didn’t have a car to make a clean getaway.”
18. “The thief who stole a vacuum cleaner disappeared without a trace.”
19. “The shoplifter stole a thesaurus, so he could find better words to describe his crimes.”
20. “The online criminal tried to delete his identity, but ended up creating a new one.”

Crime in a Recursive Pun-demic

1. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many “problems.”
2. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? It let out a little “whine.”
3. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
4. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
5. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just cant seem to put it down.
6. Why don’t ghosts rob banks? They don’t like the “boo”ty.
7. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
8. Bananas and apples decided to rob a bank. They split the cash and went their separate “peels.”
9. What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
10. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
11. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
12. I’m reading a book about teleportation. It’s bound to take me places.
13. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
14. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
15. I’m on a whiskey diet, I’ve lost three days already.
16. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
17. I’m really good at math, but I’m terrible at calculus. It’s my integral flaw.
18. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
19. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
20. I used to be a baker, but my business was toast.

Criminal Wordplay: Punning with Crime Cliches

1. I’m not saying he stole my wallet, but he definitely robbed me of my heart.
2. The burglar’s career was on the rise, until he was caught red-handed.
3. One thief to another: “I think we need to make a clean getaway.”
4. You better watch out for those pickpockets, they’re quite the snatching bandits.
5. The detectives couldn’t pull a fast one on the crooked gambling ring.
6. The detective solved the mystery of the missing espressos by following the scent and brewing enough evidence.
7. The bank robbers were caught on camera, but later escaped through a loop(hole).
8. The con artist convinced everyone that he was a painter, but he was just an art-I-mate.
9. A crime-filled day keeps the police invested.
10. The criminals ran out of gas after a long car chase, turns out they were on a robbed trip.
11. The thief was sentenced to jail, but didn’t find it barsome.
12. A thief stole a calendar. He got twelve months.
13. When the burglar entered the store, he realized there was nothing left but a receipt-ionist.
14. The shoplifter was accused of being a kleptomaniac, but he said he just had sticky fingers.
15. The robbers who stole the alarm clock got time off for good behavior.
16. The detective’s investigation was a steakout, but it came out medium rare.
17. The thieves stole a truck full of dictionaries; police are convinced they’re taking the words out of people’s mouths.
18. The thief who stole a painting in broad daylight had a permanent record.
19. Never trust atoms, they make up everything; except for a crime, they’re always singularly guilty.
20. After the arrest, the thief became a locksmith to unlock his potential.

In conclusion, we hope these puns have committed some serious laughter crimes and left you thoroughly entertained. If you’re hungry for more, be sure to check out the rest of our website for a wide range of puns to tickle your funny bone. Thank you for spending your time with us – you’re a real pun-dit in our books!

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Punsteria Team

We're the wordplay enthusiasts behind the puns you love. As lovers of all things punny, we've combined our passion for humor and wordplay to bring you Punsteria. Our team is dedicated to collecting and curating puns that will leave you laughing, groaning, and eager for more.